Solemnization of Matrimony

Woke up to the familiar sensation of free floating anxiety.

First thought as I crawled back into bed after feeding the cat was to cancel the wedding. It is not going to be comfortable having eighty people watch me promise to do all those wedding things until death parts Paul and me. Which got me wondering about who would die first. This day wasn't starting as well as yesterday's Grace giving up her mouse head incident so I decided to articulate, get it all off my chest.

Paul was awake staring up at our ceiling that's meticulously painted in Benjamin Moore Linen White. I brought up the canceling idea. He got all well "I told you--I didn't want--I tried to keep it simple, bake a salmon, throw out some paper napkins, but noooooo, you had to invite everybody and their children and now people are flying in and making flowers and calligraphy and banners and the hurricanes are going to slope on the sloping tables because the tables are being set on our sloping lawn and the candles will burn on the glass and I don't understand why we need candles when it isn't going to be dark and nobody needs to wear a tie because it will be too warm and this is a garden party. We need to work on the vows."

I hadn't brushed my teeth the night before so my breath was especially rank. I turned my head away from his face. I was feeling protective. Facing opposite directions we chatted about the two hetero weddings we attended last year. We liked the first where the bride recited an Octavio Paz poem, in Spanish even. The other was memorable for the omission of any reference to death or God. That's when we decided to use The Order of Matrimony from the 1928 Book of Common Prayer.

This is a fine service for same-sex Christian people. Look:

...Send thy blessing upon these thy servants, whom we bless in thy Name; that they, living faithfully together, may surely perform and keep the vow and covenant BETWIXT them made, (whereof this Ring given and received is a token and pledge,) and may ever remain in perfect love and peace together, and live accord-ing to thy laws;

And then:

O God, who hast so consecrated the state of Matrimony that in it is represented the spiritual marriage and unity BETWIXT Christ and his Church; Look mercifully upon these thy servants, that they may love, honour, and cherish each other, and so live together in faithfulness and patience, in wisdom and true godliness, that their home may be a haven of blessing and of peace...

This is an elegant service. But it surely isn't without its pitfalls. Look:

I require and charge you both, as ye will answer at the dreadful day of judgment when the secrets of all hearts shall be disclosed, that if either of you know any impediment,why ye may not be lawfully joined together in Matrimony, ye do confess it now. For be ye well assured,that if any persons are joined together otherwise than as God's Word doth allow, their marriage is not lawful.

Scary.

I own a post card depicting a little girl dressed up for Sunday church circa 1940. Behind this vulnerable figure are columns and Gothic arches of a grand cathedral. Her little gloved hands hold an open prayer book. The caption reads..."but what if it is all BULLSHIT?" Well then I'm safe, I won't be damned on the dreadful day of judgment.

For the most part, if it isn't bull, I believe my getting married by an Episcopal priest and someday, in Washington, buying a marriage license, will not get me deported anywhere near to Hell.

Recently a woman,a lesbian,on Facebook de-friended me.

She posted her opinion about abortion and received several supportive responses from other gay persons. I am opposed to abortion and put that down for all FBers to read. A couple days later I was short a friend. This was totally annoying having gotten close to breaking past the current high number of friends held by a buddy.

I understood later, from a third party, that as a gay person opposed to abortion I was, to my former FB friend, an anathema. I explained to Third Party my sexuality had nothing to do with my morality or spiritual life. Dude, my sexuality adds an interesting dimension to my relationship with God especially on the days when my faith has vaporized as as result of over-wondering if I am really a perv.

I'm getting married. I will wear a gold band just like the majority of the men living on Bainbridge Island. Commuting to Seattle on the ferry I'd look at guy's wedding bands and think they were sexy. Maybe the night before some of them got laid and maybe it wasn't so great or some of the guys just dropped their kids at daycare and were feeling a little bit sad. Some of the boat guys might have been lost and wishing they didn't have a ring. Perhaps a couple guys were wishing they were married instead to their best guy buddy and they could raise the kids.

I wrote a poem once, a wedding ring envy poem about all those rings on the morning commute. I'm going to be getting one, God willing, like I wished, and with it all that's attendant to being married. I'll be just like the guys on the boat. It is what I wished for.